Ramblings of a Self Defeatist

It finally fit....

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:50:11 -0700

When my niece Megan was being born I found a wonderful Banshees outfit to give my sister for her from Trash American Style. And knowing nothing about clothing sizes bought one waaaaaay too big. Well a year and a half later now it fits. And yes it's still adorable. My Sister emailed this picture over so could see it for myself:

Megan in banshees tskirt

Enjoy!

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QotD: Rise & Shine!

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:15:12 -0700

What are your first thoughts upon waking?
Submitted by Cher Cabula.

They change up depending on the day.
Most of the time it's "I'd rather be dead than to go to this insipid totalarian workplace anymore"
Sometimes it's "Of course the weather decides to suck when I'm off"
Other times it's "Cool I can't wait for _____"

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Read this if you care

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:54:01 -0700

When you see me sleeping
Written, And Copyright (C)2008 Richard Hossan

I live my life in obligation
Not of my own free will
I'm tired of seeing eight hour days
Now I'm longing to see silt

I could sleep FOREVER
But someone's always keeping me awake
And no one really wants me
It's all about what's in me for them

I once thought I would have a wife
Of not Coercion, pity, or guilt
I once thought some would never leave me
Or I'd never get my fill

But now I'm full of EMPTY
An oxymoron worthy of a moron
And I'm that fucking moron
Realizing his best days have long since gone

Longing for dirt slumber
Drinking Guinness while all strung out on WHINE
So when you see me sleeping
Walk by, and know I've left it all behind

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A poem about a girl

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 22:42:26 -0700

Doubting Thomastine
Written, and Copyright (C)2008 Richard Hossan

She's my doubting Thomastine
Never fully believing in things unseen
So beautifully cynical
So tragically logical

And yet Thomastine is magnetic
Gravitate to her like bleach on rice
Such a sense of humor
Empty despite her wisdom

I wish she could put her hand into the side
And to fall in love
And to see it and believe
And if she's not to be mine then to belong to one with pure love
And to accept their hand
While easing my guts with peace

She's my doubting Thomastine
Someone I hold so very dear to me
So beautifully reckless
So tragically knowledgeable

And yet Thomastine is so awesome
One would risk it all to be with her
I'm already damned
So I'll roll the dice for love

I wish she could see what I see
When I look in the eyes

...

Of my Thomastine

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How my psu died

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:38:04 -0700

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The Ledge

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:28:49 -0700

Yesterday for reasons I'm not ready to discuss publicly, I headed out to Kent, and all over Northwestern CT in a nebula state of internal therapy. But I did have my camera after that NYC trip with Cara, so here are a couple of shots of beautiful Kent Falls.
Kent was also once home to Family Guy scribe Seth MacFarlane for the five of you who didn't know.

It is one of the tourist attractions in CT that always brings out the couples. If you're single like me, get there at 7am like I did.

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CorazonDeOro part deux

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:20:14 -0700

This past Wednesday Cara and I went to NYC for the day. We got some great food at a Thai place in Chinatown. Picked up some Pocky, saw the fabled Joe Strummer Mural, Spent some time in Manhattan, and even went to Times Square in search of the New Hardy Boyz DVD Documentary. Oddly enough the witless friends we are, failed to take any photos of ourselves. But I did get three photos before my alkaline batteries died.
Cara found the DVD she wanted. Ironically in an underground Subway Plaza they have a full fledged Kmart.
I oddly enough found that Foxboro Hot Tubs record there too.
While we waited in line there was this sketchy guy trying to return a prepaid phone he blatantly broke on purpose (Drum roll please) without a receipt! The fun part was when Cara asked me if that is what my days are like, and I had to tell her yes indeed they are.

Strummer mural

GTA IV Times Square

I knew Rockstar was going to push GTA IV. But it's on EVERYTHING in NYC. I think I might have even seen it in a Whole Foods bathroom. More shilled than this however is that insipid Love Guru flick.

Times square

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Why am I such a neurotic worry wart?

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Sun, 18 May 2008 22:49:43 -0700

I wish I knew. Sometimes I think I get too overprotective for my own good. I don't want to say I forget my friends have minds of their own. They do. I know this. But sometimes I don't think they properly assess the risks at hand in some of their decision making. In the past I've had friends choose partners or lovers who anyone with a brain could see were a bad idea. Some were abusive. Some had too much emotional baggage to sort through before being ready for such endeavors.
Sometimes the situations weren't in matters of the heart. But decisions that would result in disaster.
And while I think my worries certainly have their place, I stumble upon stories of obsessive compulsive behavior.
And those stories scare me. Because I don't want to be the crazed fan. I don't want to be the guy who calls every five minutes. The guy who taps on windows, or who constantly keeps tabs. Thankfully I haven't become that person.
But it doesn't help that I get so anxious over the thought of inevitable doom, that I get sick.
It's as if I've forgotten that sometimes people have a need to learn the hard way. Or that if I haven't forgotten, that I've seen the hard way so many times I die a little more inside every time the hard way prospect comes up.
And then I can't help but wonder if anyone I know with the worry wart title hasn't tried to warn me that it may be possible to love too much. Or if I've let too many important things go to pot trying to prevent otherwise awesome people from learning a hard lesson they might actually have to have to grow.

Then other times I have to wonder if any of my decisions make their stomachs tie up in knots.
I'd like to think I'm on the level most of the time, but in retrospect I was attracted to a few women who turned out to be crazy, or plain evil or both.
I'm sure a few of them tried warning me too, but I don't know if my foolishness filled them with the same fear for my safety.

Of course I've always tried to be there for my friends, and they've been there for me. But how much concern is too much? And how does one let go, without the grimace inducing stomach ache queasiness?

It's always easy to blame the Mom, but I think she may have genetically given me such a two edged quality.
Mine was always over protective, and often times over reacted. It was great on the one hand. I always knew that even if the rest of the world hated my fucking guts, at least I could take comfort in knowing I would always have my parent's love.
On the other hand sometimes it got suffocating. Just because some kids were easily manipulated didn't mean I was going to be. But still it could be annoying.
I get that. I really do. And I don't mean my anxiety to push people away, or put me on their lists of nutjobs to avoid.
I guess it's something I'll have to spend my life working on. Putting my concern out there, but doing so without getting myself bent out of shape worrying that the next time I see them might be their funeral.
And if it is their funeral, not blaming myself for their demise. I just have to remember I can only give guidance. I can't be some Jedi Knight saying "This isn't the one who were looking for." and have them repeat it.
I have to accept that sometimes somebody great is going to drive into a not so great situation, and that I can't steer out of the way for them. I can only visit them in the hospital, and do my best to help them heal.

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QotD: I've Got a Crush on You

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:17:17 -0700

What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Submitted by Desi.

Sadly I usually keep it to myself. I don't have a fear of rejection, just I often times feel it's a certainty.
Probably due to a lot of past experiences, but I find these days I'd assume let the other tell me they want more than a friendship out of me.

Of course the drawback is I have to live with asking "What could have been?" But I can't help it.

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QotD: Top 5 Break-Up Songs

nobody@vox.com(The Deviot) — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:02:32 -0700

What are your top five break-up songs?
Submitted by gt.

OOOOOhhhhh this is going to be good.
As usual my top lists are always subject to change but here goes:

5. Only The Lonely (Roy Orbison)
This song is one of the most perfect post break up dive song.
It has a bluesy melody, excellent vocals, and lyrics that portray the sorrow, heartache, and process of moving on.

4.Stuart And The Ave. (Green Day)
More of a bitter breakup, the angst is a wonderful backdrop for when you're tired of your soon to be ex walking all
over you. I especially love the line "I'm beat down, and half brain dead: The long lost king of fools. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid enough to stay with you"
Keep it around for when you realize you've been had for the last time.

3. Lost Horizons (Gin Blossoms)
This alternative gem is another great dive song. Not only does the character focus on alcoholism, and depression compounded by heartbreak, but it has one of the most endearing lines in the pantheon of heartbreak songs:
"She had nothing left to say. So she said she loved me. I stood there grateful for the lie."

2. In A Letter Never Sent (Even in Blackouts)
When one comes to the realization the other party doesn't requite their love the letter indeed is rarely sent.
At least not the one one initially was going to. "In a letter never sent I said I need you, and it told you I'd always be true. But the letter's still here, and you're nowhere near. And I doubt that you'd even care"

1. I Was Losing You All Along (The Mr. T Experience)
When getting led on by someone we are deeply in love with, the rose tinted glasses often times obscure what is obvious to everyone else to our own eyes. That the other party doesn't love us at all. In some cases, we're being used by such a person who knows full well we would do anything for them. So they use us until they get around to being blunt. Still other times, they try, and try to be forthcoming, but we're too busy with our heads in the clouds to hear them. Both of these have happened to me, and I'm sure no matter how hard I try to be prepared to prevent it ultimately it might very well happen again. If any of you have suffered the same fate, this song is for you.
"I was losing you, all along.... there were things I listened to, that sounded wrong, but I couldn't notice they were so strong, but at the time, seemed like they were nothing, and YOU TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM As time went on. I was lo----sing you.......all along....."

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